If statistical packages were books

Which books would they be? Here's what I think:

1. SPSS: Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code (hardcover edition)

Best summed up by a quote from Homer Simpson: "You take forever to say nothing!" There are people out there who actually think this is a great book. The rest of the world thinks those people are crazy and, while no one goes as far as to advocate isolating them, no one lets them babysit their children either. To make up for its fatal flaws in narrative, historical plausibility, character development, and a laughable plot, the book is also very expensive.

2. Microsoft Excel: J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

This is a book everyone has read and enjoyed, though no one is bragging about it. Despite being so low-brow, however, this is actually a very decent book. As long, of course, as you take it for what it is; some read it as though it were The Lord of the Rings, which can lead to bitter disappointment.

3. Stata: Terry Pratchett, Discworld

It's a niche book that all of its readers for some reason think is mainstream. It's an incredibly fast and entertaining read, but don't let that fool you: it's full of profound insights and reading it can be an unexpectedly powerful experience.

4. SAS: The Bible

Everyone has a copy, but no one remembers how they got it. It's everyone's answer to "What's the greatest book of all time?", but no one is sure why. It's an incredibly hard book to read, but common wisdom claims that if you understand it, you can find in it things that no other book can offer. Those who do understand it and have found these things, however, seem to be unable to effectively communicate their experience; and if you ask them to, they'll usually tell you to go back and read the book yourself. It's written in style that requires four paragraphs to say "Hello." Nothing is what it seems and no one does anything expected. Every once in a while, however, it will offer a passage that will answer one of your deep questions or solve one of your deep problems. And then, as soon as you try to tell someone about what happened, you'll find that they just can't understand.

5. R: Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

It's long. It's one of the longest books ever. Takes forever to read. It's so damn long that many times you'll be convinced there's no way you can finish it. In addition, Tolstoy fans (as opposed to Pratchett fans) can be quite an annoying and pretentious crowd. Everyone would like their friends to think they've actually read War an Peace. But hey, don't blame Tolstoy for it: the book is great. Sure, it could be simpler and shorter. But it has a lot to offer. It can make you think differently about what you thought you already knew. It can make you notice that things you previously took for solutions to problems are actually nothing more than one-time acts of desperation. And every once in a while, it can even entertain you.